Jocelyn and Criz
Jocelyn was my first true relationship.
Here are the words i wrote during our time...
and some of hers just prior to her death.
for you - april 1985
yellow roses stretch out basking
from tiny buds they do grow
i grow under your sunlight, too.
the light of your eyes under heavy lids
beaming from within your soft skin
skin whose scent i carry with me, on me
which can send me...
i grow under your sunlight, too.
firemare, stretch out with me
bask in warm, Pacific weather
be with me throughout eternity
touch my heart
i do grow under your sunlight.....
nomine - may, 1985
sands strewn across the shoreline
mounded into dunes
timeless shifting forms
timeful roving pools
carrying life to the shore
as good tides will
sand white and pebbly
coarse ground down
to a fine, fine surface
finally dawn casts light
across these beaches
sun drawn West
over this shoreline
tides gone out with the moon
sustainable - jan., 1988
life gets slower, smaller, shorter
every year here
somewhere inside me draining away is me
this physical attraction to parasitic elements
leaves me in a quandry
of passing away whilst driving away
the lump in my throat
that of the predator inside me
the only question that pertains
is whether the end will come from without
or from within
the above poem was writen as she moved out of the house. as I moved into a new house. as I shaved my head and road my motorcycle to work and fantasied about driving into brick walls. as i started my crusade of vengeance against my self for the infidelities that drove her away. as I moved forward into every new aspect and role that defined my life from that crucial break-up. as i planted the seed for a future re-awakening to my original enlightened self, one borne of love and purity and compassion for myself and for the world around me. as that seed turned into a shoot and then bore fruit and nectar and healed myself and those around me. as time sanded down those ragged edges and shaped a more whole me.
this was one of last email exchanges, in March of 2002:
I was so young and fucked up emotionally when we met. I knew what I wanted but had no morals or no backbone or no _capacity_ to be what I wanted to be or to have what I wanted to have. So, it all came out like a big jumbled mess. By the time I had gotten around to seeing that I was going down a path that wasn't getting me what I truly desired, I had already racked up a bunch of bad karma and had to deal with all the consequences... so, I am fully aware that I put you through a lot of crap with the non-monogamy and that stuff... my anger and lying... it's so much to put into words after so long. I just, I didn't have the capacity at the time to not be addictive toward things, to not be spineless, to not be chasing mirages. I think I have told my story hundreds of thousands of times with always the words, "I had the relationship I wanted, I just was too fucked a person to appreciate it at the time." In talking with you, I got a sense that you just thought , I dunno. I dunno what you thought of all that other than that it was a difficult relationship. I wished I had met you later in life so that I would have learned what I needed learn before I met ya and then maybe things would have been a world different. But the impact you had on me has been tremendous. My politics, my diet, the way I view music, the gov't, so many things were so strongly influenced by you that to this day I see it... I see the way I turned into the good stuff I turned into by modeling the ways you were that I enjoyed.
Wow! Cris that's amazing stuff...thank you so much for sharing all of that with me. I think I always knew who you were, even through all the crap. I don't feel like I was stellar throughout our relationship. I know I tried, but, things came out of me that surprised, shocked and scared me. It was a good opportunity for personal growth...unfortunately, it was a delayed growth. It's interesting to me that the full impact of a relationship takes years to appreciate. I always loved you and wanted the best for you. It hurt me to not have contact with you for so long and I sort of accepted that you weren't gonna be in my world. I am nothing less than delighted that you are back in my life! I am also very proud of you for all of your personal growth that is so apparrent to me. I'm glad you made it through and expect to share many good moments with you into the future. with deep knowing love & affection, jocelyn